Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
