did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
