So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
