You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
