Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
