Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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