saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
