"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
