My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
