And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
