Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
