We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
