Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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