Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
