Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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