Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
