bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
