Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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