I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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