I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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