"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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