why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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