You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
