Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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