I'm so fucking centered right now
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
