I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
