Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
