don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
