He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
