o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
