life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
