dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Mom said you looked used
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
