I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
