I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
