ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
