just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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