everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
