i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
