Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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