We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
