Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
