I feel like abortions should bother me more
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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