If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
