If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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