Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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