when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
