Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
