I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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