i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
