he wants to bone in the snuggie
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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