Non-Jews are for practice
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
