My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
